By Bernie Hunhoff

A lot of us have family, school or community reunions to attend in the remaining weeks of summer. Sometimes that results in long hours, seated on metal folding chairs drinking coffee or beer, talking to people who live a thousand miles away whom you haven't seen in a thousand weeks.

Most South Dakotans are ill-equipped for smalltalk. It just doesn't come naturally. I've known auctioneers who can cantor 300 words a minute, but can hardly say "hello, how are you" to their brother-in-law at the post office. We don't waste anything, including words. Making smalltalk seems like watering your garden in the rain. Why run the risk of getting wet if you can avoid it?

Still, there are social occasions where we should converse, so a few years ago we came up with a good list of conversation starters for South Dakotans. Here they are. If you have some to add, please do so.

Got much rain out there lately. Substitute rain for snow from October to April.

Were you raised on a farm? In some societies, this might be considered an insult. But it is a nice compliment in South Dakota.

Why are gas prices always higher in West River? Tom Daschle started this one when he was running for Congress in the 1980s.

How's business? South Dakotans will just reply with a cheerful "pretty good." East Coast residents might think you are prying. West Coast residents might ask what business you're talking about.

Can you believe the traffic today? Good whether you are near a gravel road where three cars have kicked up dusty in 24 hours or in downtown Sioux Falls when the factories close on Friday. Any traffic is too much for South Dakotans.

How many people live in your town? Small town South Dakotans will answer slowly, because they probably haven't counted noses lately and they want to get it right.

A lot of that land should never have been plowed. A great one if you are in view of a hilly grain field in late August or early September, especially if it has been l) a dry year and the crop is wilting, or 2) it has been a wet year and the soil is eroding.

How long does it take to drive across South Dakota on I-90. The answers will tell you a lot about your acquaintance. Anybody who says "under five hours" is a liar. Anyone under six hours hasn't discovered the chocolate donuts at Wall Drug Store.

How's the fishing? This is the most inoffensive, non-argumentative comment one can make to another human being.

By John Andrews

We had noticed the conspicuous absence of Matthew Trask, owner and operator of Hubba's House, a fun West River blog we discovered about a year ago. The Internet hadn't seen hide nor hair of the Meade County rancher since February 26, the date of his last post. Today our fears that Hubba abandoned the web, or met some far worse fate, are allayed. Turns out Matt just finished an unsuccessful bid for Meade County sheriff, and much of his spring was spent on the campaign trail. Read his well-written summary of the race here.

By John Andrews

We received in the mail today a copy of Myron Finkbeiner's new book Vanishing Hardwoods in Rural America. Finkbeiner, a retired coach from Idaho, chronicles the small town high school gymnasiums that are slowly disappearing.

Deny Lather, of Watertown, submitted the following story about a game played in Buffalo Gap:

Buffalo Gap held an invitational basketball tournament in the early years, with an afternoon session followed by a pancake feed, and then an evening session. My father, Ole Lather, was head coach at New Underwood and his team was scheduled to play one of the evening games. The gym was extremely small, and also served as the school's hot lunch room, so between sessions tables and chairs were moved onto the playing floor for the pancake feed. As might have been expected, maple syrup was spilled on the floor, and despite the efforts of the janitor to clean it up, it was still present at game time.

Dad, who used a man-to-man press in his team's game against Hill City, swears that the bottoms of his players' shoes were sticking to the floor when they came into contact with the syrup, and that's where the phrase "sticky man-to-man defense" originated.

We happened to be listening to Mark Tassler on KXRB Radio this morning when everybody's favorite Norske, Uncle Torvald (aka Bob Johnson) of Sioux Falls made a guest appearance to promote Syttende Mai celebrations.

Of course, Uncle Torvald had a story to tell. He said a Norwegian from South Dakota happened to marry an Amish girl. How did that work, asked Mark.

Uncle Torvald replied, "Well, of course, eventually he drove her buggy."

It's great to know that the Norwegian comic is doing as well as ever. Happy Syttende Mai to our Norwegian friends — with appropriate sympathies to our Danish readers.

Jim Reese is a poet and prof at Mount Marty College in Yankton. His latest book, Ghost on Third, includes a poem titled "South Dakota Bumper Stickers." Yes, even I could have written this one ... and I wish I had. It's simply a collection of sayings he's seen on cars. Here are a few stanzas:

* HAVE YOU HUGGED YOUR HOG TODAY

* EAT BEEF - THE WEST WASN'T WON ON SALAD

* YOU ARE IN INDIAN COUNTRY

* WHERE THE HECK IS WALL DRUG

* REPUBLICAN WOMEN ARE THE LIFE OF THE PARTY

* MY OTHER AUTO IS A .45

* CHARLTON HESSTON IS MY PRESIDENT

* YOU JUST GOT PASSED BY A GIRL

* GUN CONTROL MEANS USING BOTH HANDS

There are more, but you get the idea.

By John Andrews

Our current issue mentions Marcia Dunsmore and Mollie O. Krafka, better known around Rapid City as the Shady Ladies. They make Black Hills history fun by staging humorous performances about various topics. The duo presented regularly at the Journey Museum through the winter, and we recently learned they are making themselves available to perform for parties and other gatherings.

Their repertoire includes six shows, ranging from 30 to 55 minutes. Choose from Calamity Bill and Wild Jane, Deadwood: Soiled Doves and Miners, Fools and Gold (1875-1885), "Wretched" (aka "Rapid") City (1885-1895), Mount Rushmore: We Don't Take It 4 Granite, and A Wacked Out Christmas.

E-mail them at shadyladies@rushmore.com for more information.

By Bernie Hunhoff

Yes, a downtown Sioux Falls icon has fallen. Morning news report indicate that a motorist "under the influence" hit the Buck's Mufflers' mascot sometime Wednesday, knocking him to the ground. One Sioux Falls wit has already wondered why the drunk driver wasn't available when the city was trying to topple the Zip Feed Mill a few years ago.

Mr. Bendo is not only an 18-foot icon — more importantly, he stood as a landmark for giving directions. "Take a right at the giant muffler man and go 13 miles and you'll be in Minnesota," they might have told you.

Fortunately, Sioux Falls still has Daisy, the big Holstein cow outside the Land o' Lakes Dairy on Russell Street. Go west past the cow until you hit I-29 and then head north and you'll be in North Dakota. Go south for Nebraska.Go east and you used to see Mr. Bendo — but no more.

Hopefully, he can be resurrected. A city never has enough icons.

Photos from celebrity weddings show up all over television and in newspapers and magazines, but there probably won't be a single paparazzo in Redfield this weekend for the wedding of the century.

Congregants at Our Savior's Lutheran Church are staging an interactive play called "Ole and Lena's Wedding." The play is an actual wedding ceremony with one hiccup - the father of the bride is missing. By the end of the evening, the audience discovers his whereabouts. It's interactive in that there is an open microphone, so those attending the wedding can get up and tell their favorite stories about Ole, Lena, Sven, Lars and any of the other Norwegian characters.

After the wedding is a reception complete with hot dishes, but no lutefisk (church leaders had to draw the line somewhere).

There's an old joke courtesy of our Norsk funny man Red Stangeland (featured in our January/February issue) about the day Ole and Lena got married. They left the church and headed west for their honeymoon. As they approached their cabin in the Black Hills Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go farder if ya vant to." So Ole drove to Wyoming.

Maybe someone in attendance can enlighten poor Ole.

Performances are Saturday at 6:30 and Sunday at 4:30. A few tickets remain for each session. Order by calling the church at (605) 472-2640.